


a story (in parts)

by zari_writes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angsty Feelings, Depression, M/M, Mental Illness, Slow Burn, gettin together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 05:31:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2954084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zari_writes/pseuds/zari_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Daichi falls in love with Suga, it feels like nothing out of the ordinary. More like a realization of something that is happening while it's happening. Realizing that he was - that he had been (falling) in love with Sawamura, it felt a lot like finally remembering the lyrics to a song whose melody had been in his head for weeks.<br/>--<br/>And you love him. It's not fair to him or to the team or the perfectly pleasant girl who confessed to him last week or to his future. But you love him. Oh you love him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i. he's in love (you're sorry)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Umbry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbry/gifts).



> sorry this is late, love! i thought i had already uploaded it but i hadn't! happy holidays!  
> (also, just a reference, the 3rd person is daichi and the 2nd person is suga)

i. he’s in love.

            ( _[you’r]e sorry for being in love[letter]_ )

* * *

 

When Daichi falls in love with Suga, it feels like nothing out of the ordinary. More like a realization of something that is happening _while_ it's happening. Realizing that he was - that he _had_ been (falling) in love with Sawamura, it felt a lot like finally remembering the lyrics to a song whose melody had been in his head for weeks.

When Daichi realizes that he's been in love with his closest friend, it is too late.

**~**

It's no surprise when you fall in love with Daichi; Daichi is steady and strong and reliable and rarely disappoints. There is a steady ebb and flow to him. But those qualities aren’t what make you fall in love with your best friend, captain and confidant.

It’s his damned smile.

The way he smiles at you, at the underclassmen, at both managers, at coach, at Sensei Takeda, at _anyone_. And that’s the fucked up part. It’s not the way he looks just at you but how he looks at everyone. With this kind of universal appreciation and love and respect. God, it’s wonderful.

God, _he’s_ wonderful.

And you love him. It's not fair to him or to the team or the perfectly pleasant girl who confessed to him last week or to his future. But you love him. Oh you love him.

**~**

It’s the end of a practice when Daichi first notices the warm burning in his chest that could only be described as still-hot embers of a fire that he usually associates with Suga.

They had just finished an inner-team scrimmage: first years with Tanaka versus the third years with Noya and Ennoshita. Everyone is tired and content and nothing feels out of place. Everything is as it supposed to be. It's not like anyone is missing or mysteriously down on the court, injured, or crying or arguing (with malice--not like how Kageyama and Hinata argue) or anything like that.

But to Daichi, something feels off.

As they're walking home, Daichi's hand brushes against a fellow third year's and sparks go alight on his skin, nerves receiving and sending something electric through his veins and something clicks. Suga's smiles, his voice, his mannerisms, his general _being_.

 _Oh_.

**~**

During any kind of task, he's constantly focused and ready for almost anything. You can't help but admire him, all muscle and controlled ferocity.

It's nerve wracking.

You can barely focus. You don't miss any of the sets but that's because your body just moves on its own and has nothing to do with where you are mentally. When the scrimmage ends, you try to shake every thought of Daichi out of your head along with his dumb smile.

You hope he never finds out.

**~**

When Suga looks up at him for the third time since they brushed hands and Daichi had a little epiphany, concern written across Suga’s beautiful face. So of course, Daichi flashes him a smile. Something freezes the look on Suga’s face into something cold and frigid and then into something neutral. Before Daichi can ask, Suga gives him something like ghost of a smile.

He makes excuses, a whirlwind of motherly concern and vague panic. Something about dinner and homework and then...he leaves in the wrong direction of his house and Daichi is still very concerned. Everyone turns to look at him, thinking that he would of course have some semblance of an answer. Daichi opens his mouth.

Nothing comes out.

**~**

When you get home, you jump onto your bed and try to figure out what happened back there. Why he had _smiled_ at you. What the hell was that?

Everything he does _has_ a purpose. Everything he did was for a reason and sometimes those reasons were stupid but always a reason. It all had a purpose with Daichi.

(You feel like you have little to none. Especially in his life.)

You turn your head so you aren't just breathing mattress air when you see a slim, white envelope sitting on your desk. 

The letter.

 


	2. ii. team (call for help)

ii. team interlude

            _(call who [for help])_

* * *

 

Daichi notices that things. A lot of things. A habit formed from constantly watching the volleyball court during a game. Daichi takes to noticing a _lot_ of things about Suga since realizing that he--

Anyway, Suga has been avoiding Daichi. Except that he’s really not? It's more like Suga will be in the same room as Daichi for a while and then he'll just _freeze_ and leave the room with some half-baked excuse that makes no sense but Suga still leaves, an apologetic smile with a small wave goodbye. Daichi is a little confused, but chalks it up to unlucky coincidences.

Everyone on the team is a lot more than a “little” confused. They are so convinced that “Mommy and Daddy” (as Daichi had found out what he and Suga were being called during a hushed conversation between Asahi and the freshmen) were fighting and that some, ah, ‘intervention’ was necessary.

At first, the ‘intervention’ was just whispered conversations and weird looks his way. Then it was the team bringing Suga to where he was and then one of them just staying nearby to keep tabs on them. Then there were instances where he and Suga were placed in the same room.

Alone.

Under normal circumstances, this would have been fine. They would have laughed it off, started talking about something completely mundane. Probably the team. Sometimes about Noya and his increasing nervousness that Asahi was leaving. (Not that it showed but sometimes, a person could just _tell_.) About Ennoshita becoming captain someday and how he was developing as a person. Almost always, the subject of ‘an Oni with a club’ versus ‘an Oni and an Oni’ would come up. (Suga always worried about their relationship, Daichi always worried about their teamwork. Their concern would always meet in the middle somehow. Like two worried parents.)

But now, the circumstances seem to have changed.

Now, it’s all uncomfortable silences and weird glances. Every conversation line is two-to-three syllables long. Maybe a whole sentence (if they’re lucky). These “conversations” leave Daichi wanting to tear his hair out and in big chunks, angry because what on _earth_ had he done _wrong_? And not only _that_ but the entire team is hellbent on fixing whatever happened, completely uncaring about what actually happened. Even _Asahi_ is on board with the hellish schemes the first years (and Noya) have managed to concoct. Anything from them just being alone to them simulating fights for himself and Suga to interfere in.

It’s getting completely ridiculous and Daichi still doesn’t know _what he’s done so so so_ wrong.

“Senpai…” Daichi snaps out of his post-practice reverie and turn to look at their first year manager who is nervously shuffling foot-to-foot. Yachi is biting her lip and keeps look from side to side.

“Yes?” The captain asks and there is just silence from Yachi for a couple of moments. Then, she closes her eyes, seems to center herself, swallows, and then looks her senior in the eye.

“I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. But I do think you’re going about this the wrong way.”

**~**

You’re not sure who to call.

You’ve read the letter over and over again, looking over the fine printed words with the kind of disbelief you usually only showed when reading fairy tales or watching the first years argue like a bunch of kids. The words of acceptance wash over you like some sort of sound muffling blanket.

And you’re still not sure who to call.

Usually, when stuff this big happens, you know exactly who you call in order. Daichi, Asahi, Shimizu, Noya, the first years, but now…now…if you call any of the others first, the'll ask you if you've already told Daichi and it's not like you want to  _lie_ to your teammates so...

Your finger is hovering over the scroll button and you’re confused on why it’s so hard to just go through with it. You swallow and make a decision, your finger hitting the down button. _Pick a random person and roll with it_ , you think to yourself as you let go and then hit enter before you can see the name.

“ _Sugawara-senpai_?” A voice you seriously didn’t expect speaks on the other end of the line and swallow.

“Yachi-san, I--” The words won’t come. All of a sudden, you’re choking on your own breath, sputtering out your address for Yachi to hear. Fifteen minutes later, the young first year is standing in the doorway to your room, worry in her eyes. She walks over to you and plops down next to you on the bed.

“Tell me,” she says, her voice soft with a hand in your hair. “Tell me everything.”

And you do.

**~**

“Hah?” Yachi presses her lips into a firm, straight line and straightens her shoulders.

“You haven’t done a thing wrong, Sawamura-senpai. But you aren’t going about ‘fixing’ this the right way,” she reiterates, putting finger quotes over the word ‘fixing’. Daichi looks at her, confused, his gaze something like a half-baked glare.

“And how should I?” The question is more of a demand but Yachi doesn’t waver and stands her ground.

“Well first of all, there’s nothing you have to really fix.”

**~**

“Let me get this right,” Yachi says once you've calmed down and she’s deciphered what you had said whilst sobbing and hiccuping. “You got this letter to do ‘something’, you’re in love with Sawamura-senpai, and you’ve been feeling terrible so you don’t know what to do with yourself.” You nod, now sitting up next to Yachi, your backs against the wall while sitting on your bed, shoulders touching. Your head is on her shoulder and you can feel her shoulders and chest when they move to expand for air. It’s calming.

“Kind of? Yes? I’m not really sure," you tell her, uncertain of how to describe how you’ve been feeling for the past...how long has it been now? Two weeks? Four? Two months? Basically a very long time since you’ve felt normal.

“It’s more like...I don’t know what to do with myself but I know that I could be doing something better than _this_.” You move your hands to resemble what ‘this’ might be. Yachi nods, the tendrils of her blonde hair hitting your nose. “And this hasn’t been happening for a short time either. It’s just been there and now it’s been getting worse.”

“So you’re saying you feel -- for simplicity’s purposes -- sad. A lot. Disappointed in yourself, even. Sometimes all of the time.” Yachi lays it out for you in simple words and you chew your lip but nod slowly, lifting your head off of her shoulder.

“Something like that...yeah.” You tell her and she turns to you, a set kind of worried in her eyes that comes across as motherly concern and past experience at the same time.

“Sugawara-senpai I’m not a doctor or an expert but...I think you need _professional_ help.” The words don’t sting but they do have a kind of effect on you. They give you the reality you didn’t want. You shake your head furiously.

“No, I don’t. I’m perfectly fine.” _Liar_ , that little voice in the back of your mind seethes. _Liar liar liar liar **liar liar liar.**_

“No, you’re _not_ , Sugawara-senpai. You just told me: you’re not well. You _need_ help--” You don’t let her finish, jumping up off of your bed.

“No, I’m _fine_ , Yachi-san.” Your voice is wavering but loud but Yachi doesn’t look the least bit intimidated. In fact, she looks all the more motivated. She jumps up and stands,straightens her shoulders and stands her ground, looking you in the eye.

“No, you’re _not_ , Suga-senpai! You’re _not_ and we both know it. I know it’s hard to accept but you _need_ help.”

“No, I really _don’t_ , I’m _fine_. I don't _want_ help.”

“You’re not _fine_ , Suga-senpai. And it doesn't _matter_ if you want it but you _need_ it!"

“Yes, _I am_. And _no I don'_ t.”

“Suga-senpai, you’re _depressed_.” The word falls from her lips, shattering on the floor like a piece of glass. You look at her and can feel the surprise along with something shattering in your head. Everything is numb.

“No, I’m…” You’re mumbling but the words wander off and Yachi grabs your arm and moves to help you sit on the bed.

“Suga-senpai I’m not...I didn’t...I’m sorry. I just...I kind of get what you’re going through,” Yachi explains.

She tells him about secondary school and how a younger Yachi could barely get out of bed some days. How leaving the house was scarier than the monsters in the closet or in the movies. How there are still thin, fine scars on her stomach and thighs. How her mom had found her on the floor of their bathroom, shaking and shivering, a nearly empty bottle next to her with brown pills spilling out. How healing had taken a long time and she was better now. (At least, better than she had been.) How she could walk in public now but she still talks to someone in a fancy office twice a month and takes pills in the morning. How she refrains from going out some days because she can’t handle it and taking care of herself is more important than having fun.

“Suga-senpai...you have to start taking care of yourself. Otherwise…” Her words trail off, and you are feeling a lot more sleepy now, the sound of her voice soothing.

“Just take care of yourself before you start taking care of other again, okay? And just so you know...it’s okay to be loved before you can love yourself. Just remind yourself that it’s not just them you’re living for.” Yachi’s words leave you thinking as you sleep. Your dream is something of a movie playing before your eyes.

 

You’re watching yourself. Over and over and over. The words ‘I love ---’ on someone’s lips. Warm hands. Shouting and screaming. The same thing keeps happening and you wake up shaking and shivering, your breath shuddering and pulse stuttering.

You were lying on the floor, on your back and not moving. You can’t see your face and your hands are palms down. There’s a note next to your head.

_I’m sorry that I love you._

You are afraid.

 


End file.
